Conflict comes hand-in-hand with living in close quarters. Such is the nature of condominium and cooperative living. Some dust-ups between neighbors are settled with a polite conversation, or a mild nudge from the condo or co-op board. Others can get out of hand, and in extreme cases be dragged out for years via the courts. 

But what about ostensibly mild discrepancies that involve sensitive topics -- things such as sex, smells, parenting -- where the line between personal preference and public nuisance may be blurry? And how can an owner or shareholder address sensitive subjects with another without ruffling any feathers?

A Matter of Sex

In a nation in part built by Puritans, it's still not always easy to address sex, especially between passing acquaintances. Sometimes it helps to have an intermediary. Fortunately, a property manager or attorney can often play such a role.

“If someone calls me up and says that their upstairs neighbor is having wild and crazy sex, I'm basically going to write a letter to the offending owner that says that they're in violation of the house rules and the proprietary lease,” says Jay Cohen, the vice president and director of operations of A. Michael Tyler Realty Corp., which has locations in Manhattan and Long Island. “They're letting noise emerge from their apartment that is disturbing the quiet and peaceful enjoyment of other shareholders in the building.”

Indeed with noise issues, many associations have quiet hours from, for example, 10 p.m. and 6 a.m., during which the slightest disturbance is forbidden. This type of rule can make it easier to address something like sex without specifically describing the inciting incident.

Bryan Mazzola, a partner with the New York office of law firm Boyd Richards Parker Colonnelli notes that in a co-op, shareholders have a responsibility to enforce the warranty of habitability, which ensures that everyone in the property can use their apartment for the purpose of which it is intended. And one can imagine that the frequent slamming of a headboard or the incessant creaking of a box-spring could have adverse effect on a neighbor's use of their unit. 

In this type of situation, Mazzola would also start with a letter indicating that there have been complaints. “If it's sex, I may not use language directly specifying such, but I'd say that there's a complaint of unreasonable noise emanating from your unit that is keeping neighbors awake,” he says. “That gets to the meat of the issue. As an attorney, I care about the source of the noise, regardless as to whether it's a neighbor or a machine, and it's my obligation with a co-op to ensure that the noise is addressed properly. In a condo, I have no such obligation to ensure that an apartment is habitable, but these issues are usually addressed in the condo's bylaws and declaration.”

Unfortunately there are occasionally instances where there's only so much an intermediary can do to mediate a dispute. “I once dealt with a woman who thought that the couple above her was always aware of which room she was in, and would purposely have sex to annoy her,” relates Bram Fierstein, president and co-founder of Gramatan Management in New Rochelle. “Sometimes people are just psychologically disturbed, and will never be placated. But unless they can prove that any noise in question is happening during quiet hours, there's nothing that can be done.”

Stinks and Stinkers

Of course, not everything must always revolve around sex. There are certainly myriad other topics over which people bristle, and dealing with those can also be a challenge.

For example, an owner may be hesitant to bring up a noise or other disturbance made by a neighbor's children, lest they be perceived as advising that neighbor as to how best parent those kids. “It might come down to a judgment call,” says Mazzola. “If it's extensive banging and running around, that's not something you need to embarrass someone about, so it may just entail a note that begins simply, 'We received complaints...'”

Odors can prove provocative as well, especially when one neighbor's cooking may be alien to another. Fortunately, house rules are often specific enough that one need not get too definitive when addressing smells. “Unit owners are usually not allowed to have any odor permeate their apartment,” says Cohen. “If there's a minor issue, I'd tell the complainant that we'd notified the offending owner about any smells, then we'd ask them to install an air purifier, or weather-proofing sealant to the door, to ensure that nothing permeates further. Eventually, we'd just tell the complainant that we'd done everything we possibly could, so they'd know we weren't blowing them off.”

In general, if conflicts persist between neighbors, they may see fit to seek out a mediator. “It's free,” notes Cohen. “But both parties need to agree. And sometimes the board of directors or managers will act as mediators if they've a tight-knit relationship with the owners. They'll sit down with the two parties and try to come up with a resolution that makes everyone happy.”

Of course, given that this is New York City, owners need to realize that they've bought into a certain amount of neighborly racket. “You're living in a multiple-dwelling building with people in close proximity to each other, so you need to give a little bit,” says Mazzola. “You're not going to find yourself dwelling in a library. You're in a city with constant noises.”

Mike Odenthal is a staff writer at The Cooperator